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Chapters - Contemplating Rape

Some thoughtful Weinstein moments.

That's right, I'm writing because of Harvey Weinstein the unfortunate Hollywood guy caught up in scandal accused of molestation and rape. Well, unfortunately shit happens mostly because the world is an unfair and unjust place. I could simply say that I don't think the guy is particularly guilty because all the woman involved were somehow complicit and stupid. This is just the nature of life, we don't know fact from fiction, we don't know what's real or unreal. We just make it up as we go along and believe that we are right and to explain without lecturing, I'll tell you my story.

As far as I know I was just a normal kid in a normal dysfunctional family which is kinda how we all happen into this world. You know, I came out my mother's womb and took great delight feeding from her breasts because that gave me energy to learn, grow and start doing stuff. When I began to have my own thoughts I couldn't believe how stupid my parents and particularly adults were. What little I remember of my early years was that education was all about making me incredibly stupid. Somehow I resolved to be different and if you are know what different means, look up an old obscure movie called the tin drum and you might get some idea but as far as most people are concerned, I'm just a normal kid who's grown-up a bit.

I guess somewhere between about age of 5 and 10 when people thought I was too little or too stupid to notice and understand, I was privy to many adult conversations about sex. Initially this was confusing because I knew in particular my mum really had the hots for several movie stars not to mention men that we knew and I suspect that she probably jumped into bed with some of them. I must say that women together are generally more honest and open, and sometimes even explicit in saying what they'd like to do with certain men even though such ideas are strictly taboo. So you can see why kids are so confused about sex and sexuality. On the other hand, having older brothers gave me another level of insight regarding the woman that they wanted to mate with as well as their reactivity towards girls, women in general and myself.

By the time I was 12, in appearance I was just another young woman suffering the monthly period and some amazement at the changing shape of my body. In some ways I'm fortunate because my body is desirable to most men and lots of women which surprised me. But I gather the attractiveness between men and women is how life was meant to be on of course I was probably as attracted to some guys as others were to me. Over those years of transition between age 8 and 12, I hated clothes and wanted to cling onto that early childhood freedom of running naked in the backyard, snuggling between my parents bodies when they'd just finished having sex especially after I'd watched. I don't think they knew I watched but I found it very interesting.

Me and sex
As I mentioned, as a small child you get to see many things including teenage and adult sexual activity from masturbation to making out and full intercourse along with some of the resultant emotional highs and lows. So I probably started masturbating around the age of five or six and it was a really nice experience. There were a few times when mother walked in but she never really told me off, rather she said I shouldn't do it too often and I must always avoid being seen. I took her advice and from about age 10 I began experimenting with a suitably small dildo that one of mums friends accidentally dropped when she was visiting.

So before getting around to engaging in sex with any guys, I had a reasonable knowledge of my own body. A few weeks after my 10th birthday mum was out working, my brothers were out somewhere and dad had a friend visiting. I thought this guy was interesting and rather handsome so I hung around and kind of flirted with him until dad realised what was going on and told me to scram. As I walked away the guy commented that I was turning into a right little hottie ready for plucking. I'd heard phrases like that before and knew exactly what he meant and from that point on I became a little more circumspect. But I also knew that just because I was a girl men wanted to use my body for pleasure regardless of what I wanted.

Now that realisation raised some problems. I've seen quite a few of those BBC wildlife documentaries with David Attenborough where most animals, the males all fight to determine who's strongest and the female accepts him automatically as a mate even if he has to rape her. I saw in human society that it wasn't so much the physically strongest, it was the guy with the most money or social influence that girls chased after even though they pretended to be being a little bit interested if he said the right words or otherwise behaved in a way that those girls liked. But when they liked a guy, I saw that most girls tarting themselves up and going out of their way using their bodies and their wits to get his attention, but as they were doing that they also turned on other guys who were near.

Human society compared to animals is much more complicated but at the end of the day, it's just a physical act which is often all over fairly quickly. Like when I watched my parents having sex, the longest was about 30 minutes after which they were both really happy although if it was less than 10 minutes, mum was less than happy although some how content. Excuse me for jumping back and forwards through the years, but now have to step back to when I was nine and had just started having periods and growing boobs.

My older brother had a girlfriend who used to come over when he was supposedly looking after me even I pretty much did my own thing and never really bothered him. So one Saturday afternoon they were in his room giggling and having fun while I was in my room doing homework and drawing. I couldn't actually hear anything from my room but I sensed something was going on so stepped out into the hallway to hear them arguing and next thing she came out of his room still pulling her clothes on and telling him off for behaving badly. She'd slammed the door so I went up to her and asked what was wrong and before she had time to answer I told her how lovely she looked without her clothes on. We had a kind of sisterly conversation and she let me touch her boobs which were three times the size of mine and very jiggly. We started talking about boys but then she said I was lucky that I didn't have too worried about them because I was a bit too young. I told her that I'd seen couples having sex and it looked like really good fun so she said that it can be but it hurt her the first few times and she was frustrated that all men wanted sex.

I tried to sound sympathetic and then she was gone so I barged into my brothers room and asked what he'd done to her but he was lying on his bed masturbating. I laughed and said "I caught you doing it, I caught you doing it" and then watched as he come all over himself as he kind of panicked and told me to get out. I gotta tell you, it was a great sight then he threw a pillow at me to emphasise that I should get lost but I ducked and for some reason I don't know why, I lifted my dress off and jumped up and down in his doorway jiggling my little titties. At that point I squealed with laughter and ran back to my room with him chasing me. I wasn't sure what was going to happen or what I wanted to happen, but I jumped onto my bed then he held me down and tickled me. As all that was going on I grabbed his cock and held onto it so he pulled my panties off and started rubbing my pussy.

It felt ever so nice I stopped giggling and his tickling turned into caressing. Next thing we were having sex and although the initial penetration was a little uncomfortable, I fell into a new level of love of my brother. Afterwards we relaxed and talked about everything including his girlfriend's reluctance to have sex and then the fact that we shouldn't be having sex because brothers and sisters are not meant to. A few months later I discovered that siblings are not supposed to have babies together because it creates a biological weakness which over time degrades the species and it would be over a year before we did it again.

But having experienced sex and enjoyed it, I began to think a lot more about what it was to be a woman. I enjoyed holding and sometimes looking after little babies for short periods and I also started dressing in ways that pleased men. In some ways as a 12-year-old I'd have been very happy to be naked everyday just to enjoy that sensual skin contact with the environment but there was no way in hell that was gonna happen but doing sexy was pretty easy, especially with the help of a little make up.

Now, back to dad's friend. He lives down the street and a couple of months after that incident I mentioned above, I was over at his house helping look after his kids because his wife was out. His kids are pretty easy and because it was a warm day we filled a plastic pool in the backyard for them to play 8n and because I didn't want to get my dress wet, I took it off. Playing in water is such fun and when the pool needed more water, I turned the hose on and accidentally on purpose squirted him. It was funny and he was determined to get me back. He turned the hose on me and a second later he was squirting water over my titties and then he pointed it directly at my pussy. I was thrilled then jumpped back into the pool with the kids and a few minutes later the lady next door called out inviting the kids to eat ice cream and play with her kids. With their fathers approval they were gone in seconds so I walked over to him and said that it seemed like I wasn't needed.

He put his hand on my bum in a kind of parental way and because he was sitting down whereas I was standing, I kind of leaned into his hand a little then he started squeezing my arse in a very nice way as I tried to make conversation about his six-year-old boy he had some concerns about. I could have pulled away but instead I kind of wriggled my hips and a moment later he told me I had cute body. Trying to act grown up I agreed and I stood there tweaking my nipples and asking him how big my boobs might get. He laughed and said that he hoped they'd be perfect and admirable. I said I hoped so too and asked him what it was that men liked about girls bodies.

He said it was just the overall shape that was attractive like a work of art, something that you don't get tired of looking at. I made a joke about being a model and posing. He replied that I certainly had potential so almost without thinking I took my panties off and posed like some of the girls in Playboy and other magazines I'd seen. He laughed and said that I was putting on a good show but then he told me I should get dressed because my behaviour was a little inappropriate even though he was appreciative. I gave him what I thought was a sexy look as he stood up and I thought he was going to go inside so with my dress and panties on hand I looked up at him and said he had a very nice touch. I guess there must've been something about my look that he found irresistible and I enjoyed his hands exploring my body but he stopped himself and reminded me that it was inappropriate. I put my clothes on and said that it felt entirely appropriate before skipping off to the neighbours where the kids were okay and I went home.

I was so excited I masturbated and that evening I was left home with Big Brother who had a couple of friends come over. They were doing stuff in his room while I watched TV then his girlfriend arrived so I ended up entertaining his mates. They weren't particularly nice but I sat with them and watched the program they'd chosen. The movie had a few soft sex scenes and lots of kissing and somehow I ended up in a kissing game with them then I ended up giving them both a blow job.

So I was becoming sexually experienced in a nice and playful way and I knew that most men desired me. A year passed before things went a little further with our neighbour. I was home by myself when he returned some tools he'd borrowed from dad and because he knew about computing and I wanted to learn, I pressed myself against him and next thing we were having sex. It happened that a kind of a big rush and totally blew my mind but afterwards I realised that I could have had him arrested and jailed for rape because I was underage and technically I didn't know any better although in fact I'd been craving for that experience with him for a long time.

Over the months and several years I've developed a very nice sex life with a variety of different men which I knew is against most social conventions. I became very direct with boys and men making it clear that if it felt right, I'd have sex with them. I even had sex with them just because they liked or should I say lusted after my body. That was more challenging because then I had to also convince them that I wasn't looking for a steady boyfriend or husband.

In contrast, most girls in school seemed to delight in teasing boys and men, and leading them on only to say no when they finally declared their interest. One girl in particular was always doing this then she got raped and made a big fuss about it. It took months but eventually some poor sucker went to jail for a few years and I attributed that to her bad behaviour, not his fault because fundamentally men are attracted to woman's bodies like moths to a flame and they just can't help themselves.

After that incident I kind of went off sex for a little while but then I went to a party with a couple of guys and we were doing a lot of flirting. I was having fun, some of it at their expense so I shouldn't have been at all surprised when they got me alone and raped me. I wasn't hurt in any way and I really do sympathise with the girls and woman to get badly beaten or physically maimed. These guys just reminded who I was and I have no regrets and I've had sex with both of them since that incident.

Now lets come back to Harvey and so many others like him. He's just a normal guy in love with every woman he sees and because of his position, probably has thousands a woman who use him as a stepping stone, who drape their bodies, their emotions and their willingness to please him in anyway they can in the hope and probably the expectation that he would do what he can to elevate their position in the industry. This is an industry full of goupies, girls on the make for sex, drugs, notoriety and money. All of those women who have come out publicly accusing Harvey of inappropriate sexual behaviour have only themselves to blame because they've been using their sexuality to manipulate him. From what I've heard of him as a person, he's been very restrained by not taking advantage of all those girls in many cases beyond a little kiss and a cuddle that's now harassment.

Weintein is not alone, there's Bill Cosby, Rolf Harris and so many others who suffer from human desire and sometimes avail themselves of various groupy girls and ambitious young women who are more than happy to jump into bed at the time, then if they don't get everything they want, they cry Wolf. I think some of these women should be facing charges, not the men.

I'm no expert when it comes to sex and relationships, but fundamentally we are animals struggling to overcome that savage herd mentality where the strongest earns the right to mate. Today there are perhaps millions a woman falling into relationships then discovering it's not what they wanted and then blaming the man. Then in our new soft morally principled and legally confused societies, these women can attach themselves to other men and abuse those men who've helped them through the legal system not to mention the public naming and shaming equating to a trial by media.

All these woman need to get a life, to be responsible for themselves because when they turn up somewhere in clothing that nicely displays their bodies, then to flirt and greeze the guys up for whatever they can get only to complain when it goes a little too far is ridiculous. Perhaps the Muslims are sensible after all, they stone these sorts of woman to death.

You may think my words are outrageous, but if you want educated, read Born With A Cunt by Donna Barber. Download here.

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